In two days I will be in hospital. In some ways, of course,
I’m scared. I’m scared of things going wrong. I’m scared of changing. I’m
scared of losing independence and ability. Writing these things petrifies me. But
there is one, somewhat unusual thing that scares me the most. I don’t want
anyone; not a nurse, a doctor, my mum, dad, family or friends to see me the way
I know I will be. I know i’m going to be unable to keep my eyes open, lift my
arms up, or have the ability to be a normal person. I’m scared to appear
vulnerable, even in front of the people I love. Is that normal? Because this
has been my biggest issue since I was told surgery is my only option. So is it
normal?
In a way, I’m in a calm. I have been in this weird calm for
about a week now. The stages of acceptance went a bit like this: To start with,
fear. Denial. I just don’t see it. I don’t need it. I don’t want to go back to
that place. Then, it was a bit of bravery and maturity. I have to just grit my
teeth. It’s my only option, apart from waiting twenty years and making it
twenty times harder too. I was going to do it, just say yes, I can do it. I
swiftly moved on to a weird, fictional perspective of the whole situation. I
saw myself kind of as people describe when they are looking down on themselves.
It’s them, but not really.. you know? I just thought “Yes this is going to
happen, it’s a wee way off.” I hadn’t quite accepted that it was ME that was
going through this HUGE and SCARY journey. The day of pre-op, I woke up, and
immediately had the urge to throw up. Seriously, it was a powerful and
momentary feeling. I know I’m trying to keep this PC, but the first thing I
said was quite simple, “S**t.” For the next two weeks, that feeling was
reasonably constant. Since last Saturday, (when by the way I went BUNGY JUMPING
over a beautiful river a few hours from my town!!) I just feel calm, at peace,
relaxed. It’s going to happen, it’s going to be okay, and there is no way I’m
getting out of it now. I’m sure there’s another stage before I go in, but that can
stay aside for now, and I guess you’ll find out later. Here I am, me, going on
an exciting new journey. Bring It On.
So this is the last post before my surgery. I’m reasonably
happy, and calm, prepared. A massive thank-you to every person who bucked up
the courage to post blogs, vlogs, or youtube videos about their journeys. Every
single one has helped me so tremendously. I think if I hadn’t had this access,
i would be a lot worse off than I am, and it raises the question if I could have
even gone through with this surgery on my own. But I’m not alone. And neither
are you. Rest assured that I will be trying my best to get enough footage to
put together my own story out there on YouTube, and you’ll know when I do.
Posts will be happening regularly after my surgery about the hospital stay and
recovery, as soon as I’m up to it(EEK!). It’s finally my turn.
