Too Close For Comfort?

In two days I will be in hospital. In some ways, of course, I’m scared. I’m scared of things going wrong. I’m scared of changing. I’m scared of losing independence and ability. Writing these things petrifies me. But there is one, somewhat unusual thing that scares me the most. I don’t want anyone; not a nurse, a doctor, my mum, dad, family or friends to see me the way I know I will be. I know i’m going to be unable to keep my eyes open, lift my arms up, or have the ability to be a normal person. I’m scared to appear vulnerable, even in front of the people I love. Is that normal? Because this has been my biggest issue since I was told surgery is my only option. So is it normal?

In a way, I’m in a calm. I have been in this weird calm for about a week now. The stages of acceptance went a bit like this: To start with, fear. Denial. I just don’t see it. I don’t need it. I don’t want to go back to that place. Then, it was a bit of bravery and maturity. I have to just grit my teeth. It’s my only option, apart from waiting twenty years and making it twenty times harder too. I was going to do it, just say yes, I can do it. I swiftly moved on to a weird, fictional perspective of the whole situation. I saw myself kind of as people describe when they are looking down on themselves. It’s them, but not really.. you know? I just thought “Yes this is going to happen, it’s a wee way off.” I hadn’t quite accepted that it was ME that was going through this HUGE and SCARY journey. The day of pre-op, I woke up, and immediately had the urge to throw up. Seriously, it was a powerful and momentary feeling. I know I’m trying to keep this PC, but the first thing I said was quite simple, “S**t.” For the next two weeks, that feeling was reasonably constant. Since last Saturday, (when by the way I went BUNGY JUMPING over a beautiful river a few hours from my town!!) I just feel calm, at peace, relaxed. It’s going to happen, it’s going to be okay, and there is no way I’m getting out of it now. I’m sure there’s another stage before I go in, but that can stay aside for now, and I guess you’ll find out later. Here I am, me, going on an exciting new journey. Bring It On.

So this is the last post before my surgery. I’m reasonably happy, and calm, prepared. A massive thank-you to every person who bucked up the courage to post blogs, vlogs, or youtube videos about their journeys. Every single one has helped me so tremendously. I think if I hadn’t had this access, i would be a lot worse off than I am, and it raises the question if I could have even gone through with this surgery on my own. But I’m not alone. And neither are you. Rest assured that I will be trying my best to get enough footage to put together my own story out there on YouTube, and you’ll know when I do. Posts will be happening regularly after my surgery about the hospital stay and recovery, as soon as I’m up to it(EEK!). It’s finally my turn.