It's almost a year now. A YEAR. It feels like a few weeks ago that I was One Month Post Op. I just cannot believe how long it has been. The blog effort has been appauling, but what can I say.
The thing that has been going around my head lately, as I approach the big date, is how different I am now to what I thought I would be one year on. There are a lot of simple things which, although I can do, I can not do without pain or difficulty. I bend down, and muscles pull. I am reminded that I have two metal bars down my back. I have a shower and by the time I get dry my back is aching. I have metal rods down my back. I go for a run and my muscles tense to try and stop the jarring on my back - guess what? I have metal rods down my back.
Every day I am forced to think about what I had happen almost a year ago. Sometimes that thought can be crushing. I get overwhelmed by this, because when I would picture my One Year Post-Op self, I picture a pain and Scoliosis free person - and that is something which I am not.
HOWEVER. I know that it's not something to feel sad about. Yes, I have rods down my back, and yes, I have Scoliosis. But you know what? I can say I am strong. I am living with open eyes about how much worse life could be, I have a better understanding of what it is like to be restricted in a daily environment, and I have found the field in which I would love to spend the rest of my life.
I have also come so far. I remember so clearly one particular time in the hospital when my friend came to visit, and she was heading down to a local restaurant for dinner with our friends when she left. I wished so much that I could do the same, and I thought it would be amazing when I could. I now often take that for granted. I can do so much, and that's something to be grateful for.
Yes, I have restrictions. In the scheme of things, they are the size of a pea under ten mattresses and a princess.
I become stronger every day, and the community all this has introduced me to is amazing. Not to mention how lucky I was to have the surgery at a young age, and how well it went, and how much it will save me from for the rest of my life.
Every single Twistie should be able to love their body - you are all beautiful, strong people who I am honoured to have in my community.
I do love my back, cause it's a part of who I am. It represents everything I am, and everything I believe, and I wouldn't change it for the world.
Monday, 31 March 2014
Saturday, 5 October 2013
Just A Little Tangent To The Blog...
I know I said the next post would follow on from my time in hospital, but I just wanted to let you know that I have uploaded a video to Youtube which is all about my surgery and just Scoliosis in general. If you want to check it out here is the link: http://youtu.be/bQ4GNSuknRE
I hope it's helpful!!
I promise to get the next proper post up this week, definately before I go back to school on the 14th! Sorry for the delays!!
Kelly
I hope it's helpful!!
I promise to get the next proper post up this week, definately before I go back to school on the 14th! Sorry for the delays!!
Kelly
Saturday, 7 September 2013
~On The Other Side~
Well I am here to tell you I MADE IT. I didn't die, or float away to some wasteland. Much to many pre-oppers thoughts, there was always that air of fear that something was going to happen. Here are some examples "I'm going to wake up in the middle of it!!" or "I'm going to wake up paralysed!" or even "I might not wake up at all ~sobs~" Well, I am living proof that none of that is going to happen. I woke up, not even aware of all the crap sticking out of my body in those first few days. Actually, the first thing I said was "Did they break my ribs?!?!?!" Actually, that was also the second thing I said, and the third, maybe even the fourth...
You could tell I was not keen to have that happen, but much to my initial discrace, the answer was in fact "Yes, they had to break four." Great. I can't remember a lot of the first few hours, but I do remember thinking "what were they all talking about, I can open my eyes!" because everyone's video's i'd watched had their eyes closed for a long time, or they couldn't keep their eyes open. Well, actually, my eyes were very close to being closed after seeing a video of me and talking to my dad, but I clearly could see enough!! ;) My friend's mum, who is a nurse in the ICU, made a special trip in to give me a flower balloon and a card. That was the single best present I got the whole time. I was like, "oh, people are actually thinking about me!" That was pretty nice.
So, I was in surgery for about 5 and a half hours, I think. I went in at 7:30am, and got out around 1:30pm. That afternoon was spent gradually waking up, in ICU. I had my favourite nurse in hospital, called Ella. I think most of what I said worked out much more in my head than actually out of my mouth, but they got the jist. ICU was noisy, but that was somewhat comforting to me, and there was always a nurse right next to me, so I wasn't bored or scared or anything. There was a man next to me with two or thress massive tubes down his throat, he was unconsious, and all of his family were there, crying and holding his hands. This was really sad, I'd never had to deal with anything like that, and it put what I was going through into perspective ten-fold. In fact, I actually felt out of place in ICU, and a bit guilty I was taking up a nurses time, and a bed. That night, at around 5pm, I was wide awake and was feeling really good, so Ella brought a TV over to my bed and switched on the show Friends. I lasted about 10 seconds before feeling extremely, well, motion-sick, and the TV was swiftly turned off and taken away. This was the beginning of my month-long strike on all things media - TV, computer, phone, and iPod. Something I was definately not expecting/ I'll talk more about that later. So anyway, a little while after the TV incident I felt a lot better, and just chatted and slept for the rest of Ella's shift. When she left, I turned more to sleep, and wasn't even awake when she left. So, I met my new nurse 2 hours later when the log rolling system began. I can;t remember her name, she was the night nurse and I was onlyawake when I needed to be. Just like when I was little, I slept right through, something very strange for the first night of a scoliosis patient. Nevertheless, this was the beginning of the movements I was taaught at the hospital. I got a pillow between my knees, stayed very still, and my nurse, with the help of another, somehow maneovered me and the bed onto either my back, my left, or right side. This happened every two hours throughout the night, and it took all of about 3 minutes of looking at the machines to fall back to sleep again. I told my family to go home at about 8pm, I knew I would not be needing them tonight, although apparently they were expecting a phone call at any time telling them i would want them to come back in. Jeez, even on drugs, I know what I want. They definately should have listened, although I don';t think they would have gotten a good night's sleep either way. Every two hours I watched the clock go from 6, to 8, to 10, to midnight, to 2am, 4am, 6am, and finally 8am, the time my parents had told me they would be back if they didn't recieve a call earlier. I am one for being on time, and as soon as it was 8:05, I was not happy. I know, weird. They didn't arrive until around 8:30, and although I had been good all night, this really bugged me, I guess I just had a lot I wanted to tell them. At around 8:15, the chest x-ray people came, and I got a new nurse at 8am too I think. Her name was Jo, and was also a really great nurse. The chest x-ray haas got to be one of my least fond, but extremely clear memories in the hospital. I was less than a day post op, after having something like 14 screws, hooks, and 2 rods inserting into my spine which had been forced into a new position. Add to this four broken ribs, and some very, VERY tender skin. Do you think shoving a long, hard, plastic board straight under my back is a good, or painless idea? NO. Well, that is what they did. Since I couldn't sit up, they decided shoving that board, and its bag, under my back whilst lying down was the next best option. I was cursing in my head I can tell you that. Then, they wanted me a bit higher, so for the first time after surgery, they raised my bed a significant amount. This hurt like hell. Then, to top it all off, I had to BREATHE IN BIG, and HOLD IT!! I had to HOLD it!! So I was in severe pain already, then, my lungs which were barely out of surgery, had to expand, more pain, and hold it, putting more pressure on my back, especially where the corers of the board were. That still gobsmacks me, even as I write it i'm still incredulous as to how they thought it was a good idea?!?! Well, I was happy as anything to go back to the wqay I was before, although now in some pain, something I was about to get pretty used to! My parents and sister then cruised up at about 8:30, and soon after the physio people came around. I remember the woman, her name was claire, and she was the lady I had talked to at pre-op day. I rolled onto my side, and with a lot of help from physio, sat up. I felt a bit dizzy, it was very, very strange. To be honest, I don't remember this very clearly, but I do faintly. Anyway, after catching my breath, they asked me if i wanted to try standing, and being the determined person I am, said yes. Well, I stood up., and it really wasn't so bad. Tiring, yes, but dizzying, or wobbly, I didn';t feel those things. I lay back down, which was nice and comforting, and they then informed me that I was the first person they'd EVER seen stand up on the first day. I was definately pretty proud, and so was my family. The rest of the morning was mainly a waiting game. Waiting for a bed in the ward to be available, ready for someone to take me down., and ready mfor paperwork to be done. Jo was great, sometimes staying for a chat, other times, away doing other jobs, I was doing amazing, and didn't need a nurse right there anymore. I did get a bit bored that morning, but thatnks to my inability to watch tv or listen to music, couldn't do anything about it. Ella also came and saw me which was cool, wished me the best of luck for the rest of my recovery, and said she might see me in the surf one day, as I had talked to her about surfing the night before and discovered we shared the same passion. I am still hoping that will happen, and now, I am exactly one month away from surfing!! I can't WAIT!!! OMG just realised today is exactly 5 months post op!!! SO PUMPED!! Anyway, that was ICU. An orderly came for me at about 1pm I think, and Jo came down with me.
I will leave this post here, putting up the first day post op/in the ward sometime next week.
As usual, if you have any questions just chuck me a comment, or head over to www.scoliosis-support.org, that bunch are awesome for everything scoliosis. Good luck if you're in the same boat as me, you can definately do it.
Kelly xx
You could tell I was not keen to have that happen, but much to my initial discrace, the answer was in fact "Yes, they had to break four." Great. I can't remember a lot of the first few hours, but I do remember thinking "what were they all talking about, I can open my eyes!" because everyone's video's i'd watched had their eyes closed for a long time, or they couldn't keep their eyes open. Well, actually, my eyes were very close to being closed after seeing a video of me and talking to my dad, but I clearly could see enough!! ;) My friend's mum, who is a nurse in the ICU, made a special trip in to give me a flower balloon and a card. That was the single best present I got the whole time. I was like, "oh, people are actually thinking about me!" That was pretty nice.
So, I was in surgery for about 5 and a half hours, I think. I went in at 7:30am, and got out around 1:30pm. That afternoon was spent gradually waking up, in ICU. I had my favourite nurse in hospital, called Ella. I think most of what I said worked out much more in my head than actually out of my mouth, but they got the jist. ICU was noisy, but that was somewhat comforting to me, and there was always a nurse right next to me, so I wasn't bored or scared or anything. There was a man next to me with two or thress massive tubes down his throat, he was unconsious, and all of his family were there, crying and holding his hands. This was really sad, I'd never had to deal with anything like that, and it put what I was going through into perspective ten-fold. In fact, I actually felt out of place in ICU, and a bit guilty I was taking up a nurses time, and a bed. That night, at around 5pm, I was wide awake and was feeling really good, so Ella brought a TV over to my bed and switched on the show Friends. I lasted about 10 seconds before feeling extremely, well, motion-sick, and the TV was swiftly turned off and taken away. This was the beginning of my month-long strike on all things media - TV, computer, phone, and iPod. Something I was definately not expecting/ I'll talk more about that later. So anyway, a little while after the TV incident I felt a lot better, and just chatted and slept for the rest of Ella's shift. When she left, I turned more to sleep, and wasn't even awake when she left. So, I met my new nurse 2 hours later when the log rolling system began. I can;t remember her name, she was the night nurse and I was onlyawake when I needed to be. Just like when I was little, I slept right through, something very strange for the first night of a scoliosis patient. Nevertheless, this was the beginning of the movements I was taaught at the hospital. I got a pillow between my knees, stayed very still, and my nurse, with the help of another, somehow maneovered me and the bed onto either my back, my left, or right side. This happened every two hours throughout the night, and it took all of about 3 minutes of looking at the machines to fall back to sleep again. I told my family to go home at about 8pm, I knew I would not be needing them tonight, although apparently they were expecting a phone call at any time telling them i would want them to come back in. Jeez, even on drugs, I know what I want. They definately should have listened, although I don';t think they would have gotten a good night's sleep either way. Every two hours I watched the clock go from 6, to 8, to 10, to midnight, to 2am, 4am, 6am, and finally 8am, the time my parents had told me they would be back if they didn't recieve a call earlier. I am one for being on time, and as soon as it was 8:05, I was not happy. I know, weird. They didn't arrive until around 8:30, and although I had been good all night, this really bugged me, I guess I just had a lot I wanted to tell them. At around 8:15, the chest x-ray people came, and I got a new nurse at 8am too I think. Her name was Jo, and was also a really great nurse. The chest x-ray haas got to be one of my least fond, but extremely clear memories in the hospital. I was less than a day post op, after having something like 14 screws, hooks, and 2 rods inserting into my spine which had been forced into a new position. Add to this four broken ribs, and some very, VERY tender skin. Do you think shoving a long, hard, plastic board straight under my back is a good, or painless idea? NO. Well, that is what they did. Since I couldn't sit up, they decided shoving that board, and its bag, under my back whilst lying down was the next best option. I was cursing in my head I can tell you that. Then, they wanted me a bit higher, so for the first time after surgery, they raised my bed a significant amount. This hurt like hell. Then, to top it all off, I had to BREATHE IN BIG, and HOLD IT!! I had to HOLD it!! So I was in severe pain already, then, my lungs which were barely out of surgery, had to expand, more pain, and hold it, putting more pressure on my back, especially where the corers of the board were. That still gobsmacks me, even as I write it i'm still incredulous as to how they thought it was a good idea?!?! Well, I was happy as anything to go back to the wqay I was before, although now in some pain, something I was about to get pretty used to! My parents and sister then cruised up at about 8:30, and soon after the physio people came around. I remember the woman, her name was claire, and she was the lady I had talked to at pre-op day. I rolled onto my side, and with a lot of help from physio, sat up. I felt a bit dizzy, it was very, very strange. To be honest, I don't remember this very clearly, but I do faintly. Anyway, after catching my breath, they asked me if i wanted to try standing, and being the determined person I am, said yes. Well, I stood up., and it really wasn't so bad. Tiring, yes, but dizzying, or wobbly, I didn';t feel those things. I lay back down, which was nice and comforting, and they then informed me that I was the first person they'd EVER seen stand up on the first day. I was definately pretty proud, and so was my family. The rest of the morning was mainly a waiting game. Waiting for a bed in the ward to be available, ready for someone to take me down., and ready mfor paperwork to be done. Jo was great, sometimes staying for a chat, other times, away doing other jobs, I was doing amazing, and didn't need a nurse right there anymore. I did get a bit bored that morning, but thatnks to my inability to watch tv or listen to music, couldn't do anything about it. Ella also came and saw me which was cool, wished me the best of luck for the rest of my recovery, and said she might see me in the surf one day, as I had talked to her about surfing the night before and discovered we shared the same passion. I am still hoping that will happen, and now, I am exactly one month away from surfing!! I can't WAIT!!! OMG just realised today is exactly 5 months post op!!! SO PUMPED!! Anyway, that was ICU. An orderly came for me at about 1pm I think, and Jo came down with me.
I will leave this post here, putting up the first day post op/in the ward sometime next week.
As usual, if you have any questions just chuck me a comment, or head over to www.scoliosis-support.org, that bunch are awesome for everything scoliosis. Good luck if you're in the same boat as me, you can definately do it.
Kelly xx
Tuesday, 3 September 2013
~And Then I Was Admitted~
I went up to the ward, and looked for the place I was supposed to check in. They didn't actually have a designated place for that, which struck me as a bit weird! We just went to the nurses station, and were passed on finally to my new nurse. We were escorted to my room, and were left to settle in, this apparently was the room I would be in for at least the next week. Just as we got "Bridesmaids" set up on the computer, the nurse came in, took my blood pressure ect, and told us how the night would pan out. She said that my surgeon and anaesesiologists were coming in over the next hour or so, and then I was free to leave the hospital for dinner. Because most people are out-of-towners, they head into town for dinner, but I preferred to go home, seeing as we live in the same city as the hospital. We played about half an hour of the movie before my surgeon came in, and he basically just checked I wasn't freaking out too much, and asked if we had any last minute questions, as well as going over the procedure, as it had changed from an anterior op to a posterior op only days before. A few minutes later, my anesthesiologists came in, and asked me to go over what I had been told would happen from start to finish with my anesthesiology over the next day or so. I didn't actually know much, just that they put a tube down your throat. I was then informed of the massive role they actually play in my surgery, including managing my level of sleep, my blood levels, putting in all the tubes and iv's, and of course putting me to sleep/waking me up. It was pretty interesting, and somewhat sparked my interest in anesthesiology as a career in the future. FINALLY, we got to go home! After a bit of a health scare from one of my sister's friends in another city, I felt almost grateful for what I was about to go through, that it was definately not the worst thing someone has to go through. It was weird going home again all the same. I had said goodbye to everything for over a week, but naturally I went straight to my guitar when I got home! We had spring rolls for dinner which were YUM, and I talked to my cousin on Facebook which was really cool, I basically just told her everything I was thinking and that really helped clear my mind, and stop me stressing! We then went back into hospital, and went up to see ICU, where I would be staying the next night, and got to talk to a nurse about what will happen there, ask questions, and even see the bed where I would be in less than 24 hours!! That was cool, and when we got back to the ward the nurse put a flat screen tv which had been donated especially to the scoliosis unit, which I loved, and thought it was absolutely amazing that it had been donated. We watched my favourite tv show, my dad said up his makeshift bed where he would sleep for the night, and I got some Iodine scrubs for my back - one for that night and one for the next morning. I then had my second last shower, not that I was really bothered, and mum scrubbed down my back with one of the scrubs. I got into my pyjamas, got one sleeping pill, just so that I got the best sleep I could, and got into bed. I think that was around 10:00pm.
I had a GREAT sleep that night!! It was really good, and despite an extremely uncomfortable bed, I slept right through (Definately due to that sleeping pill!!) and was woken at 6:00am by another nurse, who I actually liked a lot more. I got up, she gave me my theatre clothes, which consisted of pale blue boxer shorts, a much nicer and more fitting gown than the ones used for x-rays, and some knee high white stockings which I would keep on for the next week. I had another shower with the other scrub, which was fairly impossible to wash my back with a massive rib hump, and no help from my mum who was not yet at the hospital!! Then, I put my hair in plaits, and jumped back into my warm bed, which was much more familiar now I had slept in it for a night. I felt really fresh and comfortable, and at that stage didn't notice any nerves. After my sister and mum arrived, I was taken up to a waiting bay in my bed. There we were met by my anesthesiologists, who helped to pass what seemed like a billion years by just going over my details, what would happen over the next day, and just chatting. Here I got a bit more nervous, I think it must have been the waiting around. Finally, we got taken into the anesthesiology room, and after having numbing cream on my arms and wrists for an hour or so, I got iv's inserted just about everywhere!! Apparently my veins aren't that great, so IV insertion took a wee while. Then I got some sleepy juice into one of the iv's, and the last thing I remember is staring up at a fluorescent light, and the little bulbs were swirling into each other. A photo however, shows that I had a mask as well. It was really underway!!
So that is the lead up to the surgery from being admitted, I will put up the immediate post-op and ICU post sometime next week.
I had a GREAT sleep that night!! It was really good, and despite an extremely uncomfortable bed, I slept right through (Definately due to that sleeping pill!!) and was woken at 6:00am by another nurse, who I actually liked a lot more. I got up, she gave me my theatre clothes, which consisted of pale blue boxer shorts, a much nicer and more fitting gown than the ones used for x-rays, and some knee high white stockings which I would keep on for the next week. I had another shower with the other scrub, which was fairly impossible to wash my back with a massive rib hump, and no help from my mum who was not yet at the hospital!! Then, I put my hair in plaits, and jumped back into my warm bed, which was much more familiar now I had slept in it for a night. I felt really fresh and comfortable, and at that stage didn't notice any nerves. After my sister and mum arrived, I was taken up to a waiting bay in my bed. There we were met by my anesthesiologists, who helped to pass what seemed like a billion years by just going over my details, what would happen over the next day, and just chatting. Here I got a bit more nervous, I think it must have been the waiting around. Finally, we got taken into the anesthesiology room, and after having numbing cream on my arms and wrists for an hour or so, I got iv's inserted just about everywhere!! Apparently my veins aren't that great, so IV insertion took a wee while. Then I got some sleepy juice into one of the iv's, and the last thing I remember is staring up at a fluorescent light, and the little bulbs were swirling into each other. A photo however, shows that I had a mask as well. It was really underway!!
So that is the lead up to the surgery from being admitted, I will put up the immediate post-op and ICU post sometime next week.
Friday, 19 July 2013
A Long Catch-Up!! ~Leading Up To Being Admitted~
I don't even know where to start. I am angry at myself for not doing this much earlier. Can't believe it's been over 3 months since I went in for surgery. And now I've got to recall everything, probably not as effectively as I could have a couple of months ago. So, firstly, I am deeply sorry for not writing earlier. I did come over and begin, a lot. I think it's just so much, I have kind of shied away, but not today. So here is the long, long, LONG overdue report, starting from the 6th of April 2013.
I woke up on the 6th of April, to get up and go to work for the last time. I hadn't said goodbye to most of my school friends, I hadn't really talked about the surgery, and so most of them weren't physically aware that I was going in to the hospital on Sunday, which, somewhat embarrassingly, is the way I liked it. Minimal fuss. I went offf to work after a sleep in for the last time for around four weeks. It felt a little bit surreal, I remember. I pretended like it was just a normal day at work, seeing one of my good friends in the shop and I didn't tell her it was finally the big day on Monday. We just had a chat and then she left and kept shopping as usual. Same went with my workmate, I came in, we had a chat about how the morning had gone, and she left. I don't know whether she realised that this would be the last time she would see me for a while, and I was not about to tell her. So that day, I didn't actually get any good lucks! When I came home from work, my Aunt and cousin were there, as my aunt was down for a concert with my mum. I showed them my pre op xrays and talked a bit about the surgery a bit, I could feel my cheeks going red talking about it, and still found the whole concept a bit embarrassing. That night I tested out my "new bed", which for me, just meant a few planks of wood slatted on the bottom to stop the bed from sagging. I thought this would make the bed less comfortable, but surprisingly, despite any nerves I might have had, I slept better than I had for months, having had pain and sleeping troubles leading up to the surgery. So definitely a top tip- any old planks of wood which reach the width of your bed make it as good as new if the mattress sags!!
A few days earlier, I had the occupational therapist, a lady who I frankly think had not much of a clue what she was talking about, not really knowing what I was about to go through, which irritated me a bit. She gave me some gear, like a shoe horn, a "grabber", a sock pulling-on device, and much to my embarrassment, a raised toilet seat. This sat covered by a sheet in the hallway for the entire time before I came home from the hospital.
Finally, the 7th of August - hospital admittance day - had come. I woke early, maybe about 8:30, and chucked on some running gear, ready for my last run for 6 months. There was a frost outside, and so after only two minutes my throat was swelling, my muscles were burning, and it took all my willpower to get to the halfway point. I eventually gave in, and walk-jogged home, just listening to my music and enjoying the peace and silence on the road early on a Sunday, barely anyone was out. Although the run didnt go that great, I was kind of happy about it, because I figured I wouldn't miss it so much because my last one wasn't enjoyable anyway. Maybe that worked to start with, but 3 months post-op, i'm chomping at the bit!! So, I got home and had a shower, put on some comfy pants and a hoody, nike scuffs at the door ready and waiting. I said goodbye to my aunty as she got up and headed home around 11:00am, wishing me luck for the surgery, and promising a visit sometime soon. I was being admitted to the hospital at 3:00pm, so after finishing packing my bag for the hospital, checking off the list I made with help from online forums like www.scoliosis-support.org, youtube videos, and just things I wanted to take, checking the list a few more times, I spent the last half an hour at home attached to my guitar, playing all the songs I knew constantly, trying to get as much as I could in. Finally, it was time to go and meet two of my friends at starbucks at 2:00. I headed into town - in home clothes (Embarrassing!!!), and got my favourite drink cookie crumble frappachino. Even then, an hour before being addmittted to the hospital, I wasn't nervous, in fact, I was actually a bit excited. To my delight, I got some good luck presents! From one friend, some amazing body shop body butter, which has the longest lasting scent EVER, and from my other friend, a gorgeous little bird necklace, which I was instructed to not take off, for good luck. To be honest, my friends were a lot more worried than me when we said goodbye, and I walked over to the hospital which is five minutes walk from the centre of town. I was supposed to meet my mum there at 2:45, and I turned up at around 2:55, so I was stressing a fair bit. Then, sending me into a panic, mum was not where I was supposed to meet, her, not at any of the doors, not even at the Ortho clinic which is where I always go. The clinic was closed, it was dark and eerie, which freaked me out too. Almost in tears and 10 minutes late to being admitted, I went to the front reception and asked if there was a phone anywhere. The lady was pretty distant and unhelpful, not giving a real answer, and eventually let me phone my home phone, not my mum's cellphone. Halfway through slamming down the numbers, my sister rushed around the corner. Thanking the woman and walking away, I tried hard as I could to keep myself from crying as my mum, sister and I finally went up to be admitted at the ward. A bit stressful, but only because I wanted the whole thing to go as smoothly as possible, and still, no nerves! I was very lucky.
I woke up on the 6th of April, to get up and go to work for the last time. I hadn't said goodbye to most of my school friends, I hadn't really talked about the surgery, and so most of them weren't physically aware that I was going in to the hospital on Sunday, which, somewhat embarrassingly, is the way I liked it. Minimal fuss. I went offf to work after a sleep in for the last time for around four weeks. It felt a little bit surreal, I remember. I pretended like it was just a normal day at work, seeing one of my good friends in the shop and I didn't tell her it was finally the big day on Monday. We just had a chat and then she left and kept shopping as usual. Same went with my workmate, I came in, we had a chat about how the morning had gone, and she left. I don't know whether she realised that this would be the last time she would see me for a while, and I was not about to tell her. So that day, I didn't actually get any good lucks! When I came home from work, my Aunt and cousin were there, as my aunt was down for a concert with my mum. I showed them my pre op xrays and talked a bit about the surgery a bit, I could feel my cheeks going red talking about it, and still found the whole concept a bit embarrassing. That night I tested out my "new bed", which for me, just meant a few planks of wood slatted on the bottom to stop the bed from sagging. I thought this would make the bed less comfortable, but surprisingly, despite any nerves I might have had, I slept better than I had for months, having had pain and sleeping troubles leading up to the surgery. So definitely a top tip- any old planks of wood which reach the width of your bed make it as good as new if the mattress sags!!
A few days earlier, I had the occupational therapist, a lady who I frankly think had not much of a clue what she was talking about, not really knowing what I was about to go through, which irritated me a bit. She gave me some gear, like a shoe horn, a "grabber", a sock pulling-on device, and much to my embarrassment, a raised toilet seat. This sat covered by a sheet in the hallway for the entire time before I came home from the hospital.
Finally, the 7th of August - hospital admittance day - had come. I woke early, maybe about 8:30, and chucked on some running gear, ready for my last run for 6 months. There was a frost outside, and so after only two minutes my throat was swelling, my muscles were burning, and it took all my willpower to get to the halfway point. I eventually gave in, and walk-jogged home, just listening to my music and enjoying the peace and silence on the road early on a Sunday, barely anyone was out. Although the run didnt go that great, I was kind of happy about it, because I figured I wouldn't miss it so much because my last one wasn't enjoyable anyway. Maybe that worked to start with, but 3 months post-op, i'm chomping at the bit!! So, I got home and had a shower, put on some comfy pants and a hoody, nike scuffs at the door ready and waiting. I said goodbye to my aunty as she got up and headed home around 11:00am, wishing me luck for the surgery, and promising a visit sometime soon. I was being admitted to the hospital at 3:00pm, so after finishing packing my bag for the hospital, checking off the list I made with help from online forums like www.scoliosis-support.org, youtube videos, and just things I wanted to take, checking the list a few more times, I spent the last half an hour at home attached to my guitar, playing all the songs I knew constantly, trying to get as much as I could in. Finally, it was time to go and meet two of my friends at starbucks at 2:00. I headed into town - in home clothes (Embarrassing!!!), and got my favourite drink cookie crumble frappachino. Even then, an hour before being addmittted to the hospital, I wasn't nervous, in fact, I was actually a bit excited. To my delight, I got some good luck presents! From one friend, some amazing body shop body butter, which has the longest lasting scent EVER, and from my other friend, a gorgeous little bird necklace, which I was instructed to not take off, for good luck. To be honest, my friends were a lot more worried than me when we said goodbye, and I walked over to the hospital which is five minutes walk from the centre of town. I was supposed to meet my mum there at 2:45, and I turned up at around 2:55, so I was stressing a fair bit. Then, sending me into a panic, mum was not where I was supposed to meet, her, not at any of the doors, not even at the Ortho clinic which is where I always go. The clinic was closed, it was dark and eerie, which freaked me out too. Almost in tears and 10 minutes late to being admitted, I went to the front reception and asked if there was a phone anywhere. The lady was pretty distant and unhelpful, not giving a real answer, and eventually let me phone my home phone, not my mum's cellphone. Halfway through slamming down the numbers, my sister rushed around the corner. Thanking the woman and walking away, I tried hard as I could to keep myself from crying as my mum, sister and I finally went up to be admitted at the ward. A bit stressful, but only because I wanted the whole thing to go as smoothly as possible, and still, no nerves! I was very lucky.
Friday, 5 April 2013
Too Close For Comfort?
In two days I will be in hospital. In some ways, of course,
I’m scared. I’m scared of things going wrong. I’m scared of changing. I’m
scared of losing independence and ability. Writing these things petrifies me. But
there is one, somewhat unusual thing that scares me the most. I don’t want
anyone; not a nurse, a doctor, my mum, dad, family or friends to see me the way
I know I will be. I know i’m going to be unable to keep my eyes open, lift my
arms up, or have the ability to be a normal person. I’m scared to appear
vulnerable, even in front of the people I love. Is that normal? Because this
has been my biggest issue since I was told surgery is my only option. So is it
normal?
In a way, I’m in a calm. I have been in this weird calm for
about a week now. The stages of acceptance went a bit like this: To start with,
fear. Denial. I just don’t see it. I don’t need it. I don’t want to go back to
that place. Then, it was a bit of bravery and maturity. I have to just grit my
teeth. It’s my only option, apart from waiting twenty years and making it
twenty times harder too. I was going to do it, just say yes, I can do it. I
swiftly moved on to a weird, fictional perspective of the whole situation. I
saw myself kind of as people describe when they are looking down on themselves.
It’s them, but not really.. you know? I just thought “Yes this is going to
happen, it’s a wee way off.” I hadn’t quite accepted that it was ME that was
going through this HUGE and SCARY journey. The day of pre-op, I woke up, and
immediately had the urge to throw up. Seriously, it was a powerful and
momentary feeling. I know I’m trying to keep this PC, but the first thing I
said was quite simple, “S**t.” For the next two weeks, that feeling was
reasonably constant. Since last Saturday, (when by the way I went BUNGY JUMPING
over a beautiful river a few hours from my town!!) I just feel calm, at peace,
relaxed. It’s going to happen, it’s going to be okay, and there is no way I’m
getting out of it now. I’m sure there’s another stage before I go in, but that can
stay aside for now, and I guess you’ll find out later. Here I am, me, going on
an exciting new journey. Bring It On.
So this is the last post before my surgery. I’m reasonably
happy, and calm, prepared. A massive thank-you to every person who bucked up
the courage to post blogs, vlogs, or youtube videos about their journeys. Every
single one has helped me so tremendously. I think if I hadn’t had this access,
i would be a lot worse off than I am, and it raises the question if I could have
even gone through with this surgery on my own. But I’m not alone. And neither
are you. Rest assured that I will be trying my best to get enough footage to
put together my own story out there on YouTube, and you’ll know when I do.
Posts will be happening regularly after my surgery about the hospital stay and
recovery, as soon as I’m up to it(EEK!). It’s finally my turn.
Friday, 22 March 2013
Post Pre-Op
Sorry, I had to put that title cause it was so funny!! Anyways, sorry. So as you can hopefully tell, I have now been to my pre-op appointment. It was over a week ago now but I was just so tired and have been really busy, so I hadn't written a new post. So, my pre op went well I suppose. I did a lot, beginning with a LOT of x-rays. The worst one was where i had to lie across a polystyrene bump on the bed. It was SO SORE because it was pushing so hard on my ribs which in turn straightened the curve. I had other ones too like bending and traction where they pull on you "gently" (NOT!).
Anyway, then i got an EKG, and i seriously can't explain it cause it was so quick and i just lay on the bed for like 30 seconds. I think there were stickers or something on my chest, which i was a bit self conscious because i had to take my bra off and have a gown barely covering me, but oh well. After that i got blood work and i used to hate needles, but it was just painless, and so easy. That is just as well because when we went to hand the sheet back into the nurse she was like :Oh, you missed one!" So i had to go have another blood test, which I wasn't even bothered by. I am so happy that blood tests aren't an issue anymore. After that I had about a bite of a sandwich which they gave us, and it was cold so it was nice, despite the fact that it had egg and ham in which i usually dont like haha. This was also at one o clock so i guess i was hungry enough too! Anyway, as I said, after a bite I was rushed off to get photography of my "before" back. I did have to take everything off and just use my arms to cover up, but the photos were only for me as a reference so I wasn't even that freaked about that. I also had my height and weight measured, and peed in a cup, an experience i had never had before! It was weird.
Then we finally got to have some down time and relax while my nurse explained lots of things about what it's like in the hospital, and went extensively through my medical history which literally has nothing! Then I had a physical by the house surgeon who was really cool and nice, and a 3 minute talk with physio which basically consisted of giving me the incentive spirometer which is a device you blow into to help open your lungs. We then waited 2 HOURS for the surgeon to come, as he was really late. As it turned out he had to do an emergency surgery, so it was okay. He basically talked through my x-rays which were awesome! He said my curve is really flexible, and as a result of this, he can offer me the endoscopic approach. This basically making a few inch cuts down my side. He will go in, using a camera and take out all the disc stuff. After that he will somehow put in screws and rods down from about T4 to T12, and attach a rod so he can straighten the curve. I have no idea how he gets a rod through a few small cuts, but that's fine by me! The endoscopic is the best option in terms of recovery, pain, and complications. The only con is that I have to be a bit more careful before the bone is fused, as breakage or failure to fuse is higher. He went through all the risks such as paralysis, nerve damage ect. That was more scary, even though I already knew it, him saying these things just make it seem startlingly real. I had decided at the end of this, I would prefer the endoscopic approach, as he still offered me the posterior, but he would fuse more levels, it would be a longer recovery more pain and higher chance of complications.
I'm glad I didn't agree to endoscopic right then and there though, because next i had a meeting with the anesthesiologist. He talked about how he will be giving me an injection to put me to sleep, and that one of my lungs would need to be deflated, which he controls. He also said I'll have a tube down my throat, and a really big one if i choose the endoscopic surgery. He jokingly said "You won't be singing for a few months!" And I thought okay, i can handle not singing for a few months, i guess i'm going to have to anyway. Mum asked him about it, she said "Well, she does like her singing, so it will affect her being able to sing?" This was an understatement. I think I sing my way through most of the day, but I was prepared to give it up for a few months to fix my back. He then told us that because of how large the tube is for the endoscopic approach, that it can damage your throat and vocal chords. He said that after a while it will heal, but not all the way, and I will possibly loose the pitch at the end of a note. That freaked me out SO MUCH. Honestly, I was so upset, and I just thought, okay, there's no way I am having the endoscopic surgery, I will just have to deal with the posterior. Its not worth it. He moved on, and clearly didn't see that as a problem at all. That was the end of an extremely loooong day, and i was happy to go and play touch rugby with my school team afterwards, which was great to just make me relax and take my mind off the whole thing.
If you are going to a pre-op soon, I really recommend you to do some exercise after it, even just going for a walk on the beach or something. It also gave me a chance to think, and I decided that it is the right decision to go with the endoscopic fusion anyway. It's a small price to pay to get back into my life again. I am an activew person, and I can't sit still for long. I wanted to preserve flexibility i would lose by doing the posterior, i will have a much smaller scar, less pain, less complications. It's just not worth the gamble in case I lose pitch at the end of my voice, but it has been nice to have time to think it over.Sorry this was such a long post, there was just so much to tell. Someday soon I will upload my x-rays :)
Anyway, then i got an EKG, and i seriously can't explain it cause it was so quick and i just lay on the bed for like 30 seconds. I think there were stickers or something on my chest, which i was a bit self conscious because i had to take my bra off and have a gown barely covering me, but oh well. After that i got blood work and i used to hate needles, but it was just painless, and so easy. That is just as well because when we went to hand the sheet back into the nurse she was like :Oh, you missed one!" So i had to go have another blood test, which I wasn't even bothered by. I am so happy that blood tests aren't an issue anymore. After that I had about a bite of a sandwich which they gave us, and it was cold so it was nice, despite the fact that it had egg and ham in which i usually dont like haha. This was also at one o clock so i guess i was hungry enough too! Anyway, as I said, after a bite I was rushed off to get photography of my "before" back. I did have to take everything off and just use my arms to cover up, but the photos were only for me as a reference so I wasn't even that freaked about that. I also had my height and weight measured, and peed in a cup, an experience i had never had before! It was weird.
Then we finally got to have some down time and relax while my nurse explained lots of things about what it's like in the hospital, and went extensively through my medical history which literally has nothing! Then I had a physical by the house surgeon who was really cool and nice, and a 3 minute talk with physio which basically consisted of giving me the incentive spirometer which is a device you blow into to help open your lungs. We then waited 2 HOURS for the surgeon to come, as he was really late. As it turned out he had to do an emergency surgery, so it was okay. He basically talked through my x-rays which were awesome! He said my curve is really flexible, and as a result of this, he can offer me the endoscopic approach. This basically making a few inch cuts down my side. He will go in, using a camera and take out all the disc stuff. After that he will somehow put in screws and rods down from about T4 to T12, and attach a rod so he can straighten the curve. I have no idea how he gets a rod through a few small cuts, but that's fine by me! The endoscopic is the best option in terms of recovery, pain, and complications. The only con is that I have to be a bit more careful before the bone is fused, as breakage or failure to fuse is higher. He went through all the risks such as paralysis, nerve damage ect. That was more scary, even though I already knew it, him saying these things just make it seem startlingly real. I had decided at the end of this, I would prefer the endoscopic approach, as he still offered me the posterior, but he would fuse more levels, it would be a longer recovery more pain and higher chance of complications.
I'm glad I didn't agree to endoscopic right then and there though, because next i had a meeting with the anesthesiologist. He talked about how he will be giving me an injection to put me to sleep, and that one of my lungs would need to be deflated, which he controls. He also said I'll have a tube down my throat, and a really big one if i choose the endoscopic surgery. He jokingly said "You won't be singing for a few months!" And I thought okay, i can handle not singing for a few months, i guess i'm going to have to anyway. Mum asked him about it, she said "Well, she does like her singing, so it will affect her being able to sing?" This was an understatement. I think I sing my way through most of the day, but I was prepared to give it up for a few months to fix my back. He then told us that because of how large the tube is for the endoscopic approach, that it can damage your throat and vocal chords. He said that after a while it will heal, but not all the way, and I will possibly loose the pitch at the end of a note. That freaked me out SO MUCH. Honestly, I was so upset, and I just thought, okay, there's no way I am having the endoscopic surgery, I will just have to deal with the posterior. Its not worth it. He moved on, and clearly didn't see that as a problem at all. That was the end of an extremely loooong day, and i was happy to go and play touch rugby with my school team afterwards, which was great to just make me relax and take my mind off the whole thing.
If you are going to a pre-op soon, I really recommend you to do some exercise after it, even just going for a walk on the beach or something. It also gave me a chance to think, and I decided that it is the right decision to go with the endoscopic fusion anyway. It's a small price to pay to get back into my life again. I am an activew person, and I can't sit still for long. I wanted to preserve flexibility i would lose by doing the posterior, i will have a much smaller scar, less pain, less complications. It's just not worth the gamble in case I lose pitch at the end of my voice, but it has been nice to have time to think it over.Sorry this was such a long post, there was just so much to tell. Someday soon I will upload my x-rays :)
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